Ubu Roi Read online

  ALL. Ooh ! Ouch ! Help ! Defend yourselves ! Curses ! I’m dead !

  PAPA TURD. Pshit, pshit, pshit ! Outside ! You hear me ?

  ALL. Save yourselves ! Miserable Papa Turd ! Cheap double-crossing skunk !

  PAPA TURD. There ! they’re gone. I can relax now, but I didn’t get much to eat. Come, Bordure.

  [They leave with MAMA TURD.

  SCENE IV

  PAPA TURD, MAMA TURD, CAPTAIN BORDURE

  PAPA TURD. Well then, Captain, did you dine well ?

  CAPTAIN BORDURE. Pretty well, sir, except for the pshit.

  PAPA TURD. Eh ! the pshit wasn’t bad.

  MAMA TURD. Tastes differ.

  PAPA TURD. Captain Bordure, I’ve decided to make you Duke of Lithuania.

  BORDURE. But how ? I thought you were terribly poor, Papa Turd.

  PAPA TURD. In a few days, if you please, I shall reign over Poland.

  BORDURE. You’re going to kill Wenceslaus ?

  PAPA TURD. He’s not so dumb, the bugger. He guessed it.

  BORDURE. If it’s a question of killing Wenceslaus, I’m in. I’m his mortal enemy and I’ll answer for my men.

  PAPA TURD (throwing himself on BORDURE to kiss him). Oh ! oh ! I love you, Bordure.

  BORDURE. Ugh ! you stink, Papa Turd. Don’t you ever wash ?

  PAPA TURD. Rarely.

  MAMA TURD. Never !

  PAPA TURD. I’m going to stamp on your feet!

  MAMA TURD. Big pshit !

  PAPA TURD. Go, Bordure, I’ve finished with you. But by my green candle, I swear by Mama Turd to make you Duke of Lithuania.

  MAMA TURD. But . . .

  PAPA TURD. Shut up, my sweet child . . .

  [They go out.

  SCENE V

  PAPA TURD, MAMA TURD, A MESSENGER

  PAPA TURD. What do you want, mister ? Shag off, you annoy me.

  THE MESSENGER. You are summoned, Sir, by the King.

  [He goes out.

  PAPA TURD. Oh ! pshit, bloodyblueblazes, by my green candle, he’s found out ! I’m going to have my head cut off ! Oh! Oh!!

  MAMA TURD. What a weakling ! And time is short.

  PAPA TURD. Oh ! I have an idea : I’ll say it was Mama Turd and Bordure.

  MAMA TURD. You big P.U.. . . you do that, and . . .

  PAPA TURD. Ha ! That’s just what I’ll do. [He goes out.

  MAMA TURD (running after him). Oh, Papa Turd, Papa Turd ! I’ll give you sausages !

  PAPA TURD (offstage). Pshit ! You know what you can do with your sausages!

  SCENE VI

  A hall in the palace at Warsaw.

  KING WENCESLAUS, surrounded by his OFFICERS, BORDURE, the king’s sons, BOLESLAUS, LADISLAUS, and BUGGERLAUS. Then TURD.

  PAPA TURD (entering). It wasn’t me, you know ! It was Mama Turd and Bordure.

  THE KING. What is the matter, Papa Turd ?

  BORDURE. He’s been drinking.

  THE KING. Ah yes, like me, this morning.

  PAPA TURD. That’s it, I’m drunk. I’ve been drinking too much adequate little French wine.

  THE KING. Papa Turd, I must reward you for your numerous services as Captain of Dragoons, and so today I dub you Count of Sandomir.

  PAPA TURD. O Sire Wenceslaus, I don’t know how to thank you.

  THE KING. Don’t thank me, Papa Turd. Be on hand tomorrow at the full-dress parade.

  PAPA TURD. I’ll be there, but - as a favor to me — accept this little reed flute. (He gives the king a flute.)

  THE KING. What would a man my age do with a flute ? I’ll give it to young Buggerlaus.

  YOUNG BUGGERLAUS. Oh, is Papa Turd stupid !

  PAPA TURD. Well, I guess I’ll bugger off. (He falls down turning away.) Oh ! Ow ! Help ! By my green candle, I’ve busted a gut and cracked my bumbazine !

  THE KING (picking him up). Did you hurt yourself, Papa Turd ?

  PAPA TURD. Of course, and I’m sure to croak. What will become of Mama Turd ?

  THE KING. We shall see to her maintenance.

  PAPA TURD. You’re very kind. (He goes out.) — Yes, but King Wenceslaus, all the same you’re going to be massacred.

  SCENE VII

  Turd’s house.

  GYRON, PILE, and COCCYX ; PAPA TURD, MAMA TURD, CONSPIRATORS and SOLDIERS, CAPTAIN BORDURE

  PAPA TURD. Well, my dear friends, it’s high time we decided on a plan of action. Everybody’ll give their opinion. I’ll give mine first, if you don’t mind.

  BORDURE. Speak, Papa Turd.

  PAPA TURD. Well then, my friends, my idea is simply to poison the king by sticking arsenic in his breakfast. Then when he goes to chomp on it, he’ll drop dead, and so I’ll be king.

  ALL. Pfui ! What a swine !

  PAPA TURD. What ? You don’t like it ? All right, let’s hear Bordure’s idea.

  BORDURE. I think we should strike him a terrible blow of the sword, and split him open from head to tail.

  ALL. Fine ! That’s noble ! That’s the manly thing.

  PAPA TURD. And what if he starts kicking you ? I just remembered — on parade he wears iron boots, and they really hurt. If I had thought of that before, I’d’ve gone and denounced the bunch of you for dragging me into this mess. I’ll bet I’d get a reward too.

  MAMA TURD. Oh ! the traitor, the coward, the scaly, scurvy son of a bitch !

  ALL. Vomit on Papa Turd !

  PAPA TURD. Listen, you fellows, just keep calm if you don’t want a couple of black eyes. I’ll tell you what — I’m willing to take the risk for you. Let’s see now. Bordure, it’ll be your job to split the king down the middle.

  BORDURE. Wouldn’t it be better for us all to jump on him at once, yelling and screaming ? That way we’d have a better chance of winning over the troops.

  PAPA TURD. Now look, I’ll go to step on his feet. He’ll jump back, and I’ll say to him : PSHIT, and that’s the signal for the bunch of you to jump on him.

  MAMA TURD. Yes, and as soon as he’s dead, you grab his sceptre and crown.

  BORDURE. And I’ll go after the royal family with my men.

  PAPA TURD. Yes. And be sure to get that little Buggerlaus.

  [They troop out.

  PAPA TURD (running after them, and bringing them back). Gentlemen, we forgot an indispensable part of the ceremony. We have to swear to fight valiantly.

  BORDURE. But what can we swear on ? We haven’t any priest.

  PAPA TURD. Mama Turd will do instead.

  ALL. All right. Let’s go.

  PAPA TURD. So do you swear to kill the king good ?

  ALL. Yes ! We swear. Up with Papa Turd !

  ACT II

  SCENE I

  The King’s palace.

  KING WENCESLAUS, QUEEN ROSAMUNDE, BOLESLAUS, LADISLAUS and BUGGERLAUS, Princes

  THE KING. Prince Buggerlaus, you were very impertinent this morning to Master Turd, chevalier of my orders and Count of Sandomir. Therefore I forbid you to appear at our parade.

  THE QUEEN. But Wenceslaus, it wouldn’t be a bit too much for you to have your whole family protecting you.

  THE KING. Madam, I never change my mind. You tire me with these trifles.

  BUGGERLAUS. My father, I submit.

  THE QUEEN. Really, Sire, do you still insist on going to that parade ?

  THE KING. And why not, Madam ?

  THE QUEEN. Why not ! ? Haven’t I dreamed again of him smiting you with his horde of troops and throwing you into the Vistula, while an eagle like that on the arms of Poland sets the crown upon his head ?

  THE KING. Whose head ?

  THE QUEEN. Papa Turd’s !

  THE KING. What nonsense ! Master van Turd is a very fine gentleman. He would let himself be torn apart by wild horses to serve me.

  THE QUEEN and BUGGERLAUS. What folly !

  THE KING. Be still, you young swine. And as for you, Madam, to show how little fear I have of Master Turd, I will go on review as I am, with neither sword nor buckler.

  THE QUEEN. Fatal daring ! I shall never see y
ou more.

  THE KING. Come, Ladislaus. Come, Boleslaus. [They leave.

  (THE QUEEN and BUGGERLAUS go to the window.)

  THE QUEEN and BUGGERLAUS. May God and great Saint Nicholas protect you !

  THE QUEEN. Buggerlaus, come with me to the chapel to pray for your father and your brothers.

  SCENE II

  The parade-ground.

  THE POLISH ARMY, THE KING, BOLESLAUS, LADISLAUS, PAPA TURD, CAPTAIN BORDURE and his men ; GYRON, PILE, and COCCYX.

  THE KING. Noble Papa Turd, come closer with your suite, and we will inspect the troops.

  PAPA TURD (to his men). Look sharp, you fellows. — (To THE KING). Coming, Sir, coming. (TURD’S men surround THE KING.)

  THE KING. Ah ! there is my regiment of Dantziger horse-guards. My word, aren’t they fine !

  PAPA TURD. You think so ? They look awful to me. Look at that guy. — (To THE SOLDIER). How long since you took a shave, you dirty bum ?

  THE KING. But this soldier is quite proper, Papa Turd. What is the matter with you ?

  PAPA TURD. That ! (He stamps on THE KING’S foot.)

  THE KING. Wretch !

  PAPA TURD. PSHIT ! Come on, men !

  BORDURE. Hurrah! Forward ! (All strike THE KING. A CLOWN explodes.)

  THE KING. Ah ! Help ! Holy Virgin, I’m dead !

  BOLESLAUS (to LADISLAUS). What’s up? Draw your sword.

  PAPA TURD [rolling THE KING to the front of the stage with a stick. — Is he dead yet ? No ? So much the worse ! (Gives him the finishing stroke.) — Now I’m king ! ] Ha ! I have the crown ! Now for the others.

  BORDURE. Death to the traitors !!

  [The king’s sons flee. All pursue them.

  SCENE III

  THE QUEEN, BUGGERLAUS

  THE QUEEN. At last I begin to feel reassured.

  BUGGERLAUS. You have absolutely nothing to fear.

  (A horrible clamor is heard outside.)

  THE QUEEN. What is that dreadful noise ?

  BUGGERLAUS. Oh ! What do I see ? My two brothers, with Papa Turd and his men chasing them.

  THE QUEEN. Oh my God ! Holy Virgin, they’re losing — they’re losing ground.

  BUGGERLAUS. The whole army is following Papa Turd. Where’s the king ? Horrors ! Help !

  THE QUEEN. Oh dear, Boleslaus is dead ! He’s been hit by a bullet.

  BUGGERLAUS. Hey ! (LADISLAUS turns.) Defend yourself! Hurray for Ladislaus !

  THE QUEEN. Oh ! he’s surrounded.

  BUGGERLAUS. He’s done for. Bordure just cut him in half like a sausage.

  THE QUEEN. Alas ! These madmen are breaking into the palace. They’re coming up the stairs.

  (The clamor increases.)

  THE QUEEN and BUGGERLAUS (on their knees). Hospody pomilui . . .

  BUGGERLAUS. Oh, that Papa Turd ! That miserable louse ! If I had him here —

  SCENE IV

  THE SAME. The door is broken down. PAPA TURD and his partisans burst in.

  PAPA TURD. Go on, Buggerlaus, what would you do ?

  BUGGERLAUS. God almighty ! I will defend my mama to the death ! The first one that takes a step forward dies like a dog !

  PAPA TURD. Oh, Bordure, I’m scared ! Let me out of here.

  A SOLDIER (advances). Buggerlaus, surrender !

  BUGGERLAUS. Why, you dog ! Here’s your come-uppance ! (He bashes in THE SOLDIER’S skull.)

  THE QUEEN. That’s it, Buggerlaus ! Give it to them !

  MANY (advancing). Buggerlaus, we promise to spare your life.

  BUGGERLAUS. Blackguards, rumpots, mercenary swine ! (He makes a windmill with his sword, and massacres them.)

  PAPA TURD. Dammit ! I’ll finish this thing off just the same.

  BUGGERLAUS. Mother, save yourself by the secret staircase.

  THE QUEEN. And you, my son, and you ?

  BUGGERLAUS. I’ll follow.

  PAPA TURD. Try and catch the queen ! Shucks, there she goes ! As for you, louse . . . (He advances toward BUGGERLAUS.)

  BUGGERLAUS. Ah, God almighty ! Here is my revenge ! (He rips open PAPA TURD’S guts with a terrible blow of his sword.) Mother, I follow you !

  [He disappears by the secret staircase.

  SCENE V

  A cavern in the mountains.

  YOUNG BUGGERLAUS enters,

  followed by QUEEN ROSAMUNDE

  BUGGERLAUS. Here we will be safe.

  THE QUEEN. Yes, I hope so. Oh, my husband ! My darling Wenceslaus ! I feel faint. Buggerlaus, support me ! (She falls in the snow.)

  BUGGERLAUS. What ails you, mother dear ?

  THE QUEEN. I’m very sick, I fear, Buggerlaus. I have only a few hours to live.

  BUGGERLAUS. What ! have you caught cold ?

  THE QUEEN. How can I bear up under so many blows ? The king massacred, our family destroyed, and you — heir of the noblest race that ever carried dagger — forced to take refuge in the mountains like a common smuggler.

  BUGGERLAUS. And by who, great God, by who ? A vulgar Papa Turd, an adventurer come from no-one-knows-where, a vile toad, a stinking bum ! And when I think that my father decorated him and made him a count, and the very next day that villain had no more shame than to lay violent hands on him.

  THE QUEEN. Oh, Buggerlaus, when I remember how happy we were before we ever saw that Papa Turd ! But now, alas, everything is changed.

  BUGGERLAUS. What’s to be done ? We can only hope and pray, and never renounce our claim.

  THE QUEEN. I hope you get it, my child, but as for me, I shall never see that happy day.

  BUGGERLAUS. Eh ? what’s wrong ? She pales, she falls. Help ! — But I’m in the wilderness ! Oh, my God ! Her heart no longer beats. She’s dead! Is it possible ? Another victim for Papa Turd ! (He buries his face in his hands, and weeps.) Oh, my God ! how sad it is to find oneself alone at the age of fourteen, with a terrible vengeance to pursue ! (He falls prey to the most violent despair. Meanwhile the Souls of KING WENCESLAUS, BOLESLAUS, LADISLAUS, and QUEEN ROSAMUNDE enter the grotto, their ANCESTORS accompanying them and filling it. The eldest approaches BUGGERLAUS and rouses him gently.) – Eh ! what do I see ? My whole family, my ancestors ! By what miracle . . . ?

  THE GHOST. Buggerlaus, I am thy forefather’s ghost. In life I was Junkherr Matthias von Koenigsberg, the first king-and founder – of our house. To your hands I entrust our vengeance. (He gives him a big sword.) Let this sword that I give you see no rest until it has banged hell out of the usurper. (The Ghosts disappear, and BUGGERLAUS is left, on his knees – brandishing the sword – in an attitude of ecstasy.)

  SCENE VI

  The King’s palace.

  PAPA TURD, MAMA TURD, CAPTAIN BORDURE

  PAPA TURD. No ! I won’t do it ! You want to ruin me with this nonsense ?

  BORDURE. But I say, Papa Turd, don’t you know, the people expect gifts, to celebrate your coronation.

  MAMA TURD. If you don’t distribute food and gold, you’ll be overthrown within two hours.

  PAPA TURD. Food, yes. Gold, no ! Slaughter up three old nags. That’s good enough for such swine.

  MAMA TURD. Swine, yourself ! How did I ever get saddled with such a brute ?

  PAPA TURD. I’m telling you again : I’m here to get rich. I won’t let go of a penny.

  MAMA TURD. When he has in his hands all the treasures of Poland.

  BORDURE. Wait a minute ! I know where there’s an immense treasure hidden in the chapel. We’ll distribute that.

  PAPA TURD. You bastard ! You do that, and . . .

  BORDURE. But Papa Turd, if you don’t make any distributions, the people can’t pay their taxes.

  PAPA TURD. Is that right ?

  MAMA TURD. Yes, yes !

  PAPA TURD. Oh, well, in that case I consent to everything. Get up three millions, and roast a hundred and fifty cows and sheep, especially seeing that I’m going to have some too.

  [They go out.

  SCENE VII

  The palace courtyard, full of people.

  PAPA TURD, wearing the
crown, MAMA TURD, CAPTAIN BORDURE, LACKEYS loaded with food.

  PEOPLE. There’s the king ! Hurray for the king ! Hooray !!

  PAPA TURD (throwing them gold). Here, catch. This is for you. It don’t amuse me much to be throwing away gold, but Mama Turd insisted. At least promise to be sure and pay your taxes.

  ALL. Sure, sure !

  BORDURE. Look, Mama Turd, see how they fight for the gold. What a battle !

  MAMA TURD. It’s absolutely horrible. Pfui ! there’s one got his head broken.

  PAPA TURD. Hey, this is fun. Roll out another barrel of gold.

  BORDURE. If we were to have a race . . .

  PAPA TURD. Say, that’s an idea. (To the people.) My friends, you see this barrel ? Inside there’s three hundred thousand rose-nobles in gold, coin of the Polish realm, good weight. Everybody that wants to race for it, go stand at that end of the courtyard. You start running when I wave my handkerchief, and the winner gets the barrel. As for those that don’t win, they get this other barrel to split up for a booby prize.

  ALL. Great! Hurray for Papa Turd ! What a good king! Nothing like this ever happened under Wenceslaus.

  PAPA TURD (to MAMA TURD, happily). You hear them? (All the people line up at the far end of the courtyard.) One, two, three . . . You ready ?

  ALL. Yes ! Yes !

  PAPA TURD. Go !

  (They start running; rumbling and somersaulting. Cries and tumult.)

  BORDURE. Here they come ! Here they come !

  PAPA TURD. Oh ! the one in front is losing ground.

  MAMA TURD. No ! now he’s ahead.

  BORDURE. He’s losing, he’s losing ! All over ! It’s the other one !

  (The one that was second finishes first.)

  ALL. Hurray for Michael Feodorovitch ! Hurray for Michael Feodorovitch !

  MICHAEL FEODOROVITCH. Sire, I honestly don’t know how to thank Your Majesty . . .