Ubu Plays The Read online

  PA UBU. M’Nure, I’m scared. Get me out of here.

  A SOLDIER (advances). Boggerlas, surrender.

  BOGGERLAS. Here’s one for you, you dog! (He splits his skull).

  THE QUEEN. That’s the spirit, Boggerlas, keep it up!

  SEVERAL (advancing). Boggerlas, we promise to save your life.

  BOGGERLAS. Blackguards, wine-bladders, mercenary scum.

  He flourishes his sword and massacres the lot of them.

  PA UBU. Bother ! But I’ll still win in the end.

  BOGGERLAS. Mother, escape by the secret staircase.

  THE QUEEN. And you, my son, what about you?

  BOGGERLAS. I’ll follow you.

  PA UBU. Quick. Capture the Queen. Drat, she’s got away. As for you, you little worm ! ... (He advances on BOGGERLAS.)

  BOGGERLAS. Ah! by God’s will, here’s my vengeance!

  He rips open PA UBU’s boodle with a terrible sword-thrust. Mother, I follow you!

  He disappears by the secret staircase.

  SCENE FIVE

  A cavern in the mountains.

  BOGGERLAS enters, followed by QUEEN ROSAMUND.

  BOGGERLAS. Here we shall be safe.

  THE QUEEN. Oh, I do hope so. Boggerlas, support me!

  She falls on the snow.

  BOGGERLAS. What ails you, mother dear?

  THE QUEEN. I am sick unto death, Boggerlas, and fear I have only a few hours to live.

  BOGGERLAS. What! have you caught a chill?

  THE QUEEN. How do you think I can stand up to so many misfortunes ? The King murdered, our family destroyed, and you, a scion of the noblest race that ever carried a sword, forced to flee to the mountains like a common smuggler ?

  BOGGERLAS. And by whom, great God, by whom? A vulgar wretch like Ubu, a common little adventurer, a mister nobody from nowhere, fat toad, stinking tramp! And when I think that my father decorated him and made him a count, and the very next day that villain shamelessly laid violent hands on him.

  THE QUEEN. O Boggerlas! When I think how happy we all were before that wicked Old Ubu arrived on the scene. But now, alas, everything is changed.

  BOGGERLAS. What can we do, but wait in hope and never renounce our rights ?

  THE QUEEN. I long for your just restitution, my dear child, but I fear that I myself shall never see that happy day.

  BOGGERLAS. Here, what’s come over you? She grows pale, she swoons ! Help, help ! But we are alone in the wilderness ! My God, her heart has stopped beating. She is dead. Can it be possible ? Yet another victim of the fiendish Ubu! I

  He buries his face in his hands and weeps.

  Ah God, how tragic to find oneself all alone at the age of fourteen with a terrible vengeance to pursue!

  He falls prey to the most violent despair.

  Meanwhile, the SOULS of WENCESLAS, BOLESLAS, LADISLAS and ROSAMUND enter the cavern. The oldest of them approaches

  BOGGERLAS and rouses him gently from his stupor.

  BOGGERLAS. Ah ! What do I see? My whole family, my ancestors ... What miracle is this ?

  THE SHADE. Learn, Boggerlas, that during my lifetime I was Lord Mathias of Königsberg, the first king - and founder - of our House. I leave our vengeance in your hands. (He presents him with an enormous sword.) And may this sword which I present to you know no rest until it shall have dealt death to the usurper.

  All vanish, and BOGGERLAS remains alone in an attitude of ecstasy.

  SCENE SIX

  The King’s Palace.

  PA UBU, MA UBU, CAPTAIN MACNURE.

  PA UBU. No! nothing doing, I say! Do you want to ruin me just for these buffoons ?

  CAPTAIN MACNURE. But look here, Old Ubu, don’t you see that your people are expecting gifts to celebrate your glorious coronation ?

  MA UBU. If you don’t give them a great feast and plenty of gold, you’ll be overthrown in a couple of hours.

  PA UBU. A feast, yes, but money, never! Slaughter three old nags, that’s quite good enough for such scum.

  MA UBU. Scum yourself! How did such a crummy creature as you ever get slapped together ?

  PA UBU. Do I have to repeat myself? I intend to get rich, I won’t fork out a penny.

  MA UBU. Don’t forget you hold in your hands all the treasure of Poland !

  CAPTAIN MACNURE. Yes, I know where there’s a vast hoard hidden in the chapel; let’s distribute that.

  PA UBU. Just you try that on, you wretch.

  CAPTAIN MACNURE. Listen, Old Ubu, if you don’t distribute some money, no one will want to pay their taxes.

  PA UBU. Is that really true?

  MA UBU. Yes, yes!

  PA UBU. Oh, in that case, I agree to everything. Bring up two or three million gold pieces, roast a hundred and fifty oxen and the same number of sheep, and see that there’s plenty left over for me.

  They go out.

  SCENE SEVEN

  The Courtyard of the Palace, full of People.

  PA UBU, crowned, MA UBU, CAPTAIN MACNURE, LACKEYS loaded with dishes of roast meat.

  PEOPLE. There’s the King! Long live the King! Hurrah!

  PA UBU (throwing gold). Here, you, catch. Don’t thank me. All this throwing gold away is no pleasure to me at all, but my old woman insisted. At least, promise you’ll pay your taxes now.

  ALL. Yes, yes!

  CAPTAIN MACNURE. Just look, Madam Ubu, how they are fighting over the gold. What a battle!

  MA UBU. Perfectly dreadful! Ugh! there’s one who’s had his skull bashed in.

  PA UBU. What a beautiful sight! Bring up more chests of gold. CAPTAIN MACNURE. How about organizing a race?

  PA UBU. Yes, that’s an idea. (To the PEOPLE.) My friends, you see this chest full of gold ? It contains three hundred thousand rose-nobles in gold, all genuine Polish coin of the realm. Those who want to run in the race go to the end of the courtyard. You start running when I wave my handkerchief, and the winner gets the chest. And for the losers, there’s this second chest of gold to share out as a booby prize.

  ALL. Yes! Long live Old Ubu! What a decent King! We never had fun like this during the reign of Wenceslas.

  PA UBU (to MA UBU, joyfully). Just listen to them!

  All the PEOPLE line up at the far end of the courtyard.

  PA UBU. One, two, three! Are you ready?

  ALL. Yes! Yes!

  PA UBU. Go!

  They start running. Tripping, tumbling and falling over each other. Cries and tumult.

  CAPTAIN MACNURE. They’re coming! They’re coming!

  PA UBU. Ha! The one in front is losing ground.

  MA UBU. No, he’s ahead again.

  CAPTAIN MACNURE. Oh! he’s losing, he’s losing! All over! It’s the other one.

  The one who had been second finishes first.

  ALL. Long live Michael Federovitch ! Long live Michael Federovitch !

  MICHAEL FEDEROVITCH. Sire, I really don’t know how to thank Your Majesty ...

  PA UBU. Oh, my dear friend, it’s nothing. Take that chest home with you, Michael. And the rest of you share the other chest: each take a gold piece until there are none left.

  ALL. Long live Michael Federovitch ! Long live Old Ubu

  PA UBU. All of you, my friends, come and dine with me. The gates of my palace are open to you today, please honour me with your presence at table.

  PEOPLE. In we go! In we go! Long live Old Ubu! The noblest of all monarchs !

  They enter the Palace. The noise of the orgy, which lasts till the following day, can be heard. The curtain falls.

  Act Three

  SCENE ONE

  The Palace.

  PA UBU, MA UBU.

  PA UBU. By my green candle, behold me, monarch of this fair land. I’ve already got the gut-ache from overeating, and soon they are going to bring in my great bonnet.

  MA UBU. What’s it made of, my beloved lord and master? Because, even though we are now King and Queen, we’ve still got to be economical.

  PA UBU. Madam my female, it’s of sheepskin, with a c
lasp and tie-strings of doghide.

  MA UBU. That sounds pretty good, but royalty’s even better.

  PA UBU. Yes, you were right as usual, Ma Ubu.

  MA UBU. We owe a great debt of gratitude to the Duke of Lithuania.

  PA UBU. Who’s that?

  MA UBU. Why, Captain M’Nure.

  PA UBU. For heaven’s sake, woman, don’t even mention that slob to me. Now that I don’t need him any more, he can whistle for his dukedom, because he certainly won’t get it.

  MA UBU. You’re making a big mistake, Old Ubu. He’ll turn against you.

  PA UBU. I should worry! As far as I’m concerned, he and Boggerlas can go jump in a lake.

  MA UBU. And do you think you’ve heard the last of Boggerlas?

  PA UBU. Sword of phynance, obviously! What harm do you think he can do me, that little fourteen-year-old squirt ?

  MA UBU. Just you mark my words, Pa Ubu. You should try to win over Boggerlas to you by your generosity.

  PA UBU. More money to dish out? Not on your life! You’ve already made me pour at least two millions down the drain.

  MA UBU. Have it your own way, Old Ubu. But I warn you, he’ll settle your hash.

  PA UBU. Then you’ll find yourself in the same stewpot with me.

  MA UBU. For the last time, I warn you. Young Boggerlas may very well carry the day. After all, he has justice on his side.

  PA UBU. Oh, tripe! Isn’t injustice just as good as justice? Ah! you’re taking the piss out of me, Madam, I’m going to chop you into tiny pieces.

  MA UBU flees for her life, pursued by PA UBU.

  SCENE TWO

  The Great Hall of the Palace.

  PA UBU, MA UBU, OFFICERS and SOLDIERS, GYRON, HEADS, TAILS, NOBLES in Chains, FINANCIERS, JUDGES, REGISTRARS.

  PA UBU. Bring out the chest for Nobles, and the boat-hook for Nobles, and the slasher for Nobles and the account book for Nobles, and then - bring in the Nobles.

  The NOBLES are brutally shoved in.

  MA UBU. For pity’s sake restrain yourself, Old Ubu.

  PA UBU. My lords, I have the honour to inform you that as a gesture to the economic welfare of my kingdom, I have resolved to liquidate the entire nobility and confiscate their goods.

  NOBLES. Horror of horrors! Soldiers and citizens, defend us.

  PA UBU. Bring up the first Noble and pass me the boat-hook. Those who are condemned to death, I shall push through this trap door. They will fall down into the bleed-pig chambers, and will then proceed to the cash-room where they will be debrained. (To the NOBLE.) What’s your name, you slob ?

  NOBLE. Count of Vitebsk.

  PA UBU. What’s your income?

  NOBLE. Three million rix-dollars.

  PA UBU. Guilty. (He grabs him with the hook and pushes him down the hole.)

  MA UBU. What base brutality!

  PA UBU. You, there, what’s your name? (The NOBLE doesn’t answer.) Go on - answer, you slob.

  NOBLE. Grand Duke of Posen.

  PA UBU. Excellent! Excellent! I couldn’t ask for a better. Down the hatch. Next one. What’s your name, ugly mug ?

  NOBLE. Duke of Courland, and of the cities of Riga, Revel and . Mitau.

  PA UBU. Very good indeed. Sure that’s the lot ?

  NOBLE. That’s all.

  PA UBU. Down the hatch, then. Number four, what’s your name?

  NOBLE. Prince of Podolia.

  PA UBU. Income?

  NOBLE. I’m bankrupt.

  PA UBU. Take that for disrespect. (Hits him with the hook.) Now get down that hatch. Your name, number five ?

  NOBLE. Margrave of Thorn, Count Palatine of Polock.

  PA UBU. That’s not much. Is that all you are?

  NOBLE. It’s been good enough for me.

  PA UBU. Well, it’s better than nothing. Down the hatch. What’s eating you, Ma Ubu ?

  MA UBU. You’re too bloodthirsty, Pa Ubu.

  PA UBU. Bah! I’m getting rich. Now I’ll have them read the list of what I’ve got. Registrar, read my list of my titles and possessions.

  REGISTRAR. Count of Sandomir.

  PA UBU. Begin with the princedoms, stupid bugger!

  REGISTRAR. Princedom of Podolia, Grand Duchy of Posen, Duchy of Courland, County of Sandomir, County of Vitebsk, Palatinate of Polock, Margravate of Thorn.

  PA UBU. Well, go on.

  REGISTRAR. That’s the lot.

  PA UBU. What do you mean, that’s the lot! Oh well, then, forward all the Nobles and, since I don’t propose to stop getting richer, I shall execute them all and confiscate their revenues. Come on, down the hatch with the whole lot. (They are stuffed down the hatch.) Hurry up, faster, faster, I’m going to make some laws next.

  SEVERAL. That’ll be worth watching.

  PA UBU. First of all, I shall reform the code of justice, then we will proceed to financial matters.

  SEVERAL JUDGES. We are strongly opposed to any change.

  PA UBU. Pschitt! Firstly, judges will no longer receive a salary.

  JUDGES. And what shall we live on? We’re all poor men.

  PA UBU. You can keep the fines you impose and the possessions of those you condemn to death.

  FIRST JUDGE. It’s unthinkable.

  SECOND JUDGE. Infamous.

  THIRD JUDGE. Scandalous.

  FOURTH JUDGE. Contemptible.

  ALL. We refuse to judge under such conditions.

  PA UBU. Down the hatch with the judges. (They struggle in vain.)

  MA UBU. Oh, what have you done, Pa Ubu? Who will administer justice now ?

  PA UBU. Why, I will. You’ll see how well things will go.

  MA UBU. Yes, it will be a right old mess.

  PA UBU. Aw, shut your gob, clownish female. Gentlemen, we will proceed to financial matters.

  FINANCIERS. There’s no need to change anything.

  PA UBU. How come? I wish to change everything, I do. To begin with, I intend to pocket half the tax receipts.

  FINANCIERS. What cheek!

  PA UBU. Gentlemen, we shall establish a tax often percent on all property, another on industry, and a third of fifteen francs a head on all marriages and funerals.

  FIRST FINANCIER. But that’s ridiculous, Pa Ubu.

  SECOND FINANCIER. Quite absurd.

  THIRD FINANCIER. Doesn’t make sense.

  PA UBU. You’re making fun of me ? Down the hatch, all of you. (The FINANCIERS are shoved in.)

  MA UBU. Come, come, Lord Ubu, kings aren’t supposed to behave like that. You’re butchering the whole world.

  PA UBU. So pschitt!

  MA UBU. No more justice, no financial system!

  PA UBU. Fear nothing, my sweet child, I’ll go from village to village myself and collect the taxes.

  SCENE THREE

  A Peasant’s House in the Environs of Warsaw.

  Several PEASANTS are assembled.

  A PEASANT (entering). Hey! did you hear the news ? The King is dead, and all the nobles as well; young Boggerlas has fled to the mountains with his mother. What’s more, Pa Ubu has seized the throne.

  ANOTHER. Yes, and here’s something else. I’ve just come from Cracow, where I saw them carting off the bodies of more than three hundred nobles and five hundred magistrates that he’s had slaughtered, and it seems they’re going to double the taxes and that Pa Ubu is going to make the rounds in person to collect them.

  ALL. Great God! What will become of us? Pa Ubu is a foul beast and they say that his whole family is equally repulsive.

  A PEASANT. Hark! It sounds like someone’s knocking at the door.

  A VOICE (off). Hornstrumpot! Open up, pschitt, in the names of St John, St Peter and St Nicolas ! Open up, by my cash-sword and my cash-horn, I’ve come to collect the taxes!

  The door is smashed in. UBU enters, followed by an army of money-grubbers.

  SCENE FOUR

  PA UBU. Which of you is the oldest? (A PEASANT steps forward.) What’s your name ?

  PEASANT. Stanislas Leczinski.

  PA UBU. Well
then, hornstrumpot, listen carefully, or these gentlemen will extrude your nearoles. Hey, listen, will you!

  STANISLAS. But Your Excellency hasn’t said anything yet.

  PA UBU. What! I’ve been talking for an hour. Do you think I came here simply to amuse myself with the echo of my own voice ?

  STANISLAS: No thought could be farther from my mind, Sire.

  PA UBU. All right, then. I’ve come to tell you, order you, and inform you that you are to produce and display your ready cash immediately, or you’ll be massacred. Come on in, my lords of phynance, you sons of whores, wheel in the phynancial wheelbarrow.

  The wheelbarrow is wheeled in.

  STANISLAS. Sire, we are down on the register for only one hundred and fifty-two rix-dollars, which we’ve already paid over six weeks ago come Michaelmas.

  PA UBU. That may well be so, but I’ve changed the government and I’ve had it announced in the official gazette that all the present taxes have to be paid twice over, and all those I may think up later on will have to be paid three times over. With this system, I’ll soon make a fortune: then I’ll kill everyone in the world, and go away.

  PEASANTS. Mercy, Lord Ubu, have pity on us. We are poor, simple people.

  PA UBU. I couldn’t care less. Pay up.

  PEASANTS. But we can’t, we’ve already paid.

  PA UBU. Fork out! Or I’ll give you the works good and proper: torture, twisting of the neck, and decapitation. Hornstrumpot, am I or am I not your King ?

  ALL. Ho, in that case, to arms, fellows! Long live Boggerlas, by the grace of God King of Poland and Lithuania!