Ubu Plays, The Read online

  PA UBU (beginning to wake up). Catch Ma Ubu, chop off her nears!

  MA UBU. My God, where am I? I’m losing my mind. But, no, heavens above, for -

  Thanks be to God, by my side I behold

  The sleeping form of Sir Ubu the Bold.

  Let’s play it cool. Well, you fat oaf, have you slept well?

  PA UBU. No, very badly! Oof, that bear was tough! Battle to the death between the voracious and the coriaceous, but the voracious completely ate up and devoured the coriaceous, as you will see when it gets light. Do you hear me, brave Palcontents ?

  MA UBU. What’s he babbling about? He’s even stupider than when he left. Who’s he having a go at?

  PA UBU. Tails, Heads, answer me, pschittbag! Where are you? Oh, I’m scared. But somebody spoke, who was it? Not the bear, I hope. Pschitt! Where are my matches? I must have lost them during the battle.

  MA UBU. Let’s take advantage of the situation and the darkness. Let’s pretend to be a supernatural apparition and make him promise to forgive our peculations.

  PA UBU. But by St Anthony, someone’s speaking! By God’s third leg, I’ll be hanged if someone isn’t speaking.

  MA UBU (in a great hollow voice). Yes, Mister Ubu, someone is indeed speaking, and with the tongue of the archangel’s trumpet that shall summon the dead from their graves to meet their judgement! Listen to that terrible voice. It is the voice of the archangel Gabriel who is incapable of giving anything but good advice.

  PA UBU. He can stuff his advice.

  MA UBU. Don’t interrupt or I shall fall silent and you’ll find your bumboozle’s on the hot seat!

  PA UBU. Ah! by my strumpot! I’ll keep quiet, I won’t breathe a word. Pray continue, Mrs Apparition.

  MA UBU. We were saying, Mister Ubu, that you were a fat oaf.

  PA UBU. Hmm! Fat, yes, I grant you that.

  MA UBU. Shut up, goddammit!

  PA UBU. Hey! Angels aren’t supposed to swear!

  MA UBU (aside). Pschitt! (Continuing.) You are married, Mister Ubu?

  PA UBU. Too true. To a vile hag.

  MA UBU. You mean, to a charming lady.

  PA UBU. An old horror. She sprouts claws all over, it’s impossible to get one’s hand up her anywhere.

  MA UBU. You should give her a hand up kindly and gently, honest Mister Ubu, and were you to do so you would see that she was just as appealing as Aphrodite.

  PA UBU. Who did you say wears an appalling frayed nightie?

  MA UBU. You are not listening, Mister Ubu. Lend us a more attentive ear. (Aside.) But we must hurry, for dawn is breaking. Mister Ubu, your wife is a delightful and adorable person, who hasn’t a single defect.

  PA UBU. On the contrary, she’s got the lot.

  MA UBU. Silence, Sir! Your wife has never been unfaithful to you!

  PA UBU. Only because the old hag’s so ugly that no man in his right mind would ever give her a chance of being unfaithful!

  MA UBU. She doesn’t drink!

  PA UBU. Not since I kept the cellar door locked. Before that, she was plastered by seven in the morning and perfumed with the scent of brandy. Now that she can afford to perfume herself with heliotrope she doesn’t smell any worse. One stink’s as good as another, as far as I’m concerned. But now I have to get plastered all on my own.

  MA UBU. Silly idiot! Your wife doesn’t steal your bags of gold.

  PA UBU. Come off it!

  MA UBU. She doesn’t pocket a single penny!

  PA UBU. As witness our noble and unfortunate phynance charger who, having been starved for three months, had to go through the entire campaign being led by the reins across the Ukraine, until the poor beast finally died in harness.

  MA UBU. All this is false. Your wife is an absolute saint, and you are a great monster.

  PA UBU. All this is true. My wife’s a lazy slut and you’re a great booby!

  MA UBU. Have a care, Mister Ubu.

  PA UBU. You’re right - I was forgetting to whom I was speaking. I take it all back.

  MA UBU. You killed King Wenceslas.

  PA UBU. That wasn’t my fault, oh no, it was Ma Ubu who egged me on.

  MA UBU. You had Boleslas and Ladislas assassinated.

  PA UBU. Serve them right! They tried to hit me!

  MA UBU. You not only broke your promise to M’Nure, you killed him as well.

  PA UBU. I’d rather it was me than him that reigned in Lithuania. For the moment it’s neither of us. At least you can see it’s not me.

  MA UBU. There’s only one way for you to gain redemption of your sins.

  PA UBU. What’s that? I wouldn’t at all mind becoming a holy man, in fact I’d like to be a bishop and see my name in the calendar.

  MA UBU. You must forgive Madam Ubu for having pocketed a little bit of your spare cash.

  PA UBU. All right, I’ll tell you what! I’ll forgive her when she’s handed over all the loot, when she’s been soundly walloped, and when she’s brought my phynance charger back to life.

  MA UBU. He’s got that damn horse on the brain. Oh, it’s beginning to get light. I’m lost!

  PA UBU. Still, I’m glad to learn definitely that my dear wife has been swindling me. I have it now on the best authority. Omnis a Deo scientia, which means: Omnis, all; a Deo, wisdom; scientia, comes from God. Which explains the whole miraculous revelation. But Madam Apparition has fallen silent. What healing draught can I offer her to bring back her voice? For her conversation was most amusing. Why, it’s daybreak already. Ha, by heavens and by my phynance charger, it’s Ma Ubu!

  MA UBU (brazening it out). That’s not true. I shall excommunicate you.

  PA UBU. Carrion!

  MA UBU. Oh, what blasphemy.

  PA UBU. This is too much. I can see perfectly well that it’s you, you silly old bag. What the devil are you doing here?

  MA UBU. Gyron is dead and the Poles were after me, so I thought I’d better get out while the going was good.

  PA UBU. The Russians were after me, so I thought I’d better get out while the going was good. Ah well, they say that great minds think alike.

  MA UBU. They can say that if they want, but my great mind thinks it’s just met a pea-brained idiot.

  PA UBU. Oh, very well, and in a moment it’s going to meet a palmiped.

  He hurls the BEAR at her.

  MA UBU (falling prostrate under the weight of the BEAR).Great God! How horrible! I’m dying! I’m suffocating! It’s biting me! It’s swallowing me! It’s digesting me!

  PA UBU. It’s dead, you freak! Oh, but maybe it isn’t after all. Lord, no, it’s not dead, let’s escape. (Climbing up onto his rock again.) Pater noster qui es ...

  MA UBU (emerging from beneath the BEAR).Now where’s he got to?

  PA UBU. Oh Lord, there she is again! Am I going to be saddled with this stupid bitch for ever? Is that bear dead?

  MA UBU. Saddle yourself, you donkey. Yes, it’s stiff already. How did it get here?

  PA UBU (confused). I don’t know. Oh yes, I remember. It wanted to eat Heads and Tails and I killed it single-handed with one blow of my paternoster.

  MA UBU. Heads, Tails, paternoster — what’s he going on about ? He’s off his rocker, the silly chump.

  PA UBU. It’s the gospel truth, I’m telling you, you bumboozlofaced idiot.

  MA UBU. Tell me all about your campaign, Captain Ubu.

  PA UBU. No, no, it would take too long. All I know is that despite my incontestable valour, everyone defeated me.

  MA UBU. What, even the Poles ?

  PA UBU. They were all shouting ‘Long live Wenceslas and Boggerlas !’ I thought they were going to tear me to pieces. What madmen! And then they lynched Renski.

  MA UBU. I couldn’t care less! You know that Boggerlas slaughtered the Palcontent Gyron ?

  PA UBU. I couldn’t care less! And then they lynched poor Laski.

  MA UBU. I couldn’t care less!

  PA UBU. Oh, that’s quite enough from you. Come here, carrion, and kneel before your master. (H
e seizes her and forces her to her knees.) You are about to undergo the extreme penalty.

  MA UBU. Ow, ow, ow, Mister Ubu!

  PA UBU. Have you quite finished with your ow, ow, ows? Because now I’m going to begin: twisting of the nose, tearing out of the hair, penetration of the nearoles by the little wooden pick, extraction of the brain-matter by way of the heels, laceration of the posterior, partial or even total suppression of the spinal marrow (thus confirming the fact that the victim is a spineless creature), not to mention the puncturing of the swimming-bladder, and finally the grand new version of the decollation of St John the Baptist as specified in the most Holy Scriptures of both the Old and New Testaments, as edited, corrected and perfectioned by yours truly the here-present Master of Phynances! How does that suit you, puddinghead ?

  He starts tearing her to pieces.

  MA UBU. Mercy, mercy, Mister Ubu, Sir!

  Loud noise at the entrance to the cave.

  SCENE TWO

  The same. BOGGERLAS, storming the cave with his SOLDIERS.

  BOGGERLAS. Forward, my friends! Long live Poland!

  PA UBU. Hey there, just a minute, Mister Polack. Wait till I’m through with madam my worse half.

  BOGGERLAS (striking him). Take that, coward, scavenger, scoundrel, infidel, Mussulman!

  PA UBU (countering). Take that, great clot, pisspot, son of a harlot, nose-snot, bigot, faggot, gut-rot, squawking parrot, Huguenot!

  MA UBU (hitting him too). Take that, pork-snout, layabout, whore’s tout, pox-riddled spout, idle lout, boy scout, Polish Kraut.

  The SOLDIERS hurl themselves on the UBUS who defend themselves as best they can.

  PA UBU. Ye gods, we’re getting a drubbing!

  MA UBU. Let’s tread on the Polacks’ toes.

  PA UBU. By my green candle, this is going on too long. There’s another of them! Oh, if only I had my phynance charger with me here!

  BOGGERLAS. Hit them, go on hitting them!

  VOICES (offstage). Long live Pa Ubu, our great Phynancier!

  PA UBU. Ah, here they are! Hurrah! Here come the Ubuists. Come on, quick march, to the rescue, phynancial gentlemen!

  The PALCONTENTS enter and throw themselves into the fight.

  TAILS. Get out, you Poles!

  HEADS. Hoy, Mister Phynance, we meet once again! Come on, men, fight your way through to the entrance, and once we’re outside let’s run for it.

  PA UBU. Oh yes, I’m very good at that. Look how Heads is hitting out around him.

  BOGGERLAS. God, I’m wounded.

  STANISLAS LECZINSKI. It’s nothing, Sire.

  BOGGERLAS. Yes, I’m all right. I just came over all peculiar suddenly.

  JAN SOBIESKI. Hit them, go on hitting them, the scoundrels are getting away.

  TAILS. We’re almost there, follow me everybody. By consequench of whish I see daylight.

  HEADS. Courage, Lord Ubu!

  PA UBU. Ooh, I’ve done it in my pants. Forward, hornstrumpot! Killemoff, bleedemoff, skinnemoff, shaggemoff, by Ubu’s horn. Ah, they’re falling back.

  TAILS. There’s only two left guarding the door.

  PA UBU (swinging the BEAR round his head, and knocking them down with it). That’s for you! And for you! Ha, I’m outside! Let’s get the hell out of here! Come on, the rest of you, follow me, and look sharp about it!

  SCENE THREE

  The scene represents the Province of Livonia covered with snow. The UBUS and their followers in flight.

  PA UBU. At last, I think they’ve abandoned the chase.

  MA UBU. Yes, Boggerlas has gone off to get himself crowned.

  PA UBU. He knows what he can do with his crown!

  MA UBU. Oh how right you are, Old Ubu.

  They vanish into the distance.

  SCENE FOUR

  The bridge of a ship sailing close to the wind on the Baltic. On the bridge, PA UBU and his whole GANG.

  THE CAPTAIN. What a lovely breeze!

  PA UBU. It’s a fact that we are moving at an almost miraculous speed, which I estimate at, give or take a bit, about a million knots an hour, and the remarkable thing about these knots is that once they’ve been tied they can’t come untied again. And of course we have the wind in the poop.

  HEADS. He’s a nincompoop full of wind.

  A squall comes up, the ship heels over, the sea foams.

  PA UBU. Oh my God, we’re capsizing. Hey, it’s going all whichways, your boat, it’s going to fall over.

  THE CAPTAIN. All hands to leeward. Close-haul the mizzen!

  PA UBU. Ah, no! What an idea! Don’t all stand on the same side, it’s dangerous. Just supposing the wind changed suddenly! We’d all go to the bottom and the fishes would eat us up.

  THE CAPTAIN. Don’t bear away. Hug the wind full and by!

  PA UBU. Yes, yes, tear away. I’m in a tearing hurry, do you hear! It’s your fault, you fool of a skipper, if we don’t get there. We should have arrived by now. There’s only one solution: I’ll take over command myself. Ready about. ’Bout ship. Let go the anchor. Go about in stays, wear ship, hoist more sail, haul down sail, put the tiller hard over, up with the helm, down with the helm, full speed astern, give her more lee, splice the top gallant. How am I doing ? Tight as a rivet! Meet the wave crosswise and everything will be ship-shape. Avast there.

  All are convulsed with laughter, the wind freshens.

  THE CAPTAIN. Haul down the main jib, take a reef in the top-sails.

  PA UBU. That’s a good one. That’s not bad at all. Did you get that, Mister Crew? Boil down the main rib; roast beef and oxtails!

  Several die of laughter. A wave breaks over everyone.

  PA UBU. Oh, what a ducking! That is the logical result of the manoeuvres we have just ordered.

  MA UBU and HEADS. Isn’t navigation wonderful?

  A second wave breaks over them.

  HEADS (drenched). Beware of Satan and all pomps and vanities.

  PA UBU. That’s right, beware of sitting under pumps, it’s insanitary. Hey, steward, sirrah, bring us something to drink.

  They all sit down to drink.

  MA UBU. Oh what bliss it will be to see our sweet France once more, and all our old friends, and our Castle of Mondragon.

  PA UBU. Yes, we’ll soon be there. See, we are tacking past the Castle of Elsinore at this very moment.

  HEADS. The prospect of seeing my beloved Spain again has put new heart into me.

  TAILS. Yes, and we’ll amaze our countrymen with tales of our marvellous adventures.

  PA UBU. Oh yes, there’s no doubt about that. As for me, I’ll be off to Paris to get myself appointed Master of Phynances.

  MA UBU. That’s nice. Oo, what a bump that was.

  TAILS. It’s nothing. We’ve just doubled Cape Elsinore.

  HEADS. And now our gallant bark speeds like a bird over the wine-dark waves of the North Sea.

  PA UBU. Wild and inhospitable ocean which laps the shores of the land called Germany, so named because it’s exactly half way to Jermyn Street as the blow flies.

  MA UBU. Now that’s what I call erudition. It’s a beautiful country, I’m told.

  PA UBU. Beautiful though it may be, it’s not a patch on Poland. Ah gentlemen, there’ll always be a Poland. Otherwise there wouldn’t be any Poles!

  Ubu Cuckolded

  (Ubu Cocu)

  Restored in its entirety

  as it was performed by

  the marionettes of the

  Théâtre des Phynances

  Five Acts

  Translated by Cyril Connolly

  CHARACTERS

  PA UBU

  HIS CONSCIENCE

  MA UBU

  ACHRAS

  REBONTIER

  MEMNON

  THE THREE PALCONTENTS

  THE COBBLER SCYTOTOMILLE

  THE CROCODILE

  A FLUNKEY

  A WOOLIDOG

  The action takes place in the house of Achras. A door at each side of the stage. At the back, another door opening on t
o a ‘closet’.

  In five acts.

  This version of Ubu Cocu was adapted for radio by Martin Esslin and first broadcast on the BBC Third Programme on 21st December 1965 with the following cast:

  Produced by Martin Esslin. Music by John Beckett.

  Act One

  SCENE ONE

  ACHRAS. Oh, but it’s like this, look you, I’ve no grounds to be dissatisfied with my polyhedra; they breed every six weeks, they’re worse than rabbits. And it’s also quite true to say that the regular polyhedra are the most faithful and most devoted to their master, except that this morning the Icosahedron was a little fractious, so that I was compelled, look you, to give it a smack on each of its twenty faces. And that’s the kind of language they understand. And my thesis, look you, on the habits of polyhedra - it’s getting along nicely, thank you, only another twenty-five volumes!